I feel like these past few days have been one big test.

I seem to be stuck in a 'should I stay or should I go' tug of war with my brain. Upon realization of this, I wish it would stop. On the upside, I keep winning.

On Monday I had dinner with my friend Sarah, who was by my side during my whole decision to move abroad and always there for encouragement while I was gone (and since I've been back.) We went out for Vietnamese food- which was just a coincidence, it seemed to be the only option near her workplace, and I'm incredibly happy about that. It was really nice to see and old familiar face and be able to talk about my experiences again and hear about what is going on in her life. The conversation kept going back to now, and how I seem to be coping. As always she was chock-full of advice, and this is why I love her. But I seemed to be on top of my game. She was explaining life after coming home from abroad, things I should be doing, things I should be remembering. It was incredibly helpful to hear it from someone else, but I felt like saying "I know." And maybe I did. And it was the first time ever, talking to her, that I felt comfortable with where I was and how I felt. It seems as though I'm doing everything right. It seems as though I made the right decision and I'm happy about it. It it weird that that is what makes me uneasy?

Then I get a message from a friend who is teaching English in Japan. We graduated and left for Asia at the same time, but he stayed longer and is still there. I got a slightly uneasy message, although nothing that hasn't gone through my head before, about the balance of staying or leaving. About settling or living in absolutely as many places as humanly possible. About our similar wanderlust and the wonder of how in the hell it will all work out for us. While I tried to be as supportive as possible, my initial reaction was "I know how you feel," and "I feel the same way." And while that first statement was easy to say, I had trouble with the second. I couldn't help but realize that I don't feel that way right now. And that felt good.

In every day conversations I have with friends, I feel so content. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm not the one with her head in the clouds, but the one with my feet on the ground. I notice all of the little things that people let bother them, the people that feed off of drama, the general confusion among everyone our age, especially the ones who are having a hard time finding jobs and just general confusion about where they are in life right now. I feel pretty far away from all of that. Don't be fooled by this - I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life. But I'm pretty okay with not knowing right now. And with where I am. For now.

A new teacher for Teachers for Vietnam just posted this quote on her blog:

"It has been said that the more one travels, the more one's attention turns inward...Travel, when done habitually, when done for a living, changes you in ways mostly good, sometimes bad. On one hand, it is the greatest privilege one can imagine: to see the world in all its flavors, colors, and seemingly infinite variety; to discover firsthand the differences among us on this enormous and complex planet - as well as the things we share. On the other hand, travel can become a compulsion, though it keeps us away from friends and loved ones - sometimes even when we're back. When I'm away, I yearn for home. When I'm home, I'm listless. I seem to no longer fit. History and literature are filled with characters who see Asia or Venice, and never go back to the way they were." - Anthony Bourdain

Although I think this is a brilliant quote, and completely accurate, I can't help but notice that I'm not listless today.

And even if it's just for today... that realization is enough for me.