Today was a good day. Today was a conglomeration of all that has been crazy, and difficult, and awesome, and annoying. In moving to the other side of a country, in missing good friends, in finding my place in a new place, in making new friends.
Nothing particular happened today. It was a Wednesday. It was rainy and windy and foggy and I spent the day staring at a computer, and I'm still staring a computer. But I'm content. I'm specifically reminded of a few weeks into living in Vietnam where I wrote a blog post about being content, and I think it made my mom cry. To know, without ever really knowing or being able to physically see, that I'm okay. I can breathe easy tonight, and I'll finally get some sleep, because my mind is clear and I'm content. And that feels so damn good.
Last week I had a near breakdown. I called everyone I knew. I cried. I drank a lot of wine and slept at my friends house because I didn't want to face my new home. I saw my life flashing before my eyes for no reason at all other than I was at the crux - the time when what you thought you knew and what you expected and what is really happening all come together and you either sink or swim. Now that I'm on the other side I can confidently say I nearly drown. But I made it, safe and sound. It's no small miracle, or a surprise, that the people I love helped me out in more ways than one. Whether you gave me advice, listened to me bitch, or helped me drink, thank you. I don't know how we'd all get through our crazy without each other. I am so, so grateful to have such amazing people around me (on both coasts.)
I've learned a lot about myself in last two weeks. I don't give myself enough credit for what I do or what I'm capable of. I moved across the freaking country! To follow my passion! For no money! I don't speak up when I start to drown because I think that people will think less of me, or question my abilities. Wrong! People question your abilities when you start to drown and let it affect your positivity and productivity and retreat into this weird, silent, miserable Sam. People will help you! They want to help you! Just ask! I did not ever deal with my last break up. Ever. A few things happened the last two weekends to bring light to this, but also to let me let it go. I haven't been stuck on the person, but the situation. For letting things get to where they were and becoming a shell of myself. While getting unnecessarily angry when Michelle played "Somebody That I Used to Know" (sorry!) Jenny reminded me that it was true - some people get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. And it's ridiculous. And a waste of time. And I have so many awesome things going on in my life right now that I literally don't have time to be thinking about how I could have handled things differently, or at all. It is a weight off of my shoulders to not have anything to worry about. So much free space to think! and breathe! and live!
I rearranged my room. I organized my personal email (I'm still behind, but they are in folders and I have to do lists.) I downloaded new music (ZZ Ward, Of Monsters and Men, and Young the Giant. I highly suggest you take a listen.) I asked for new projects at work and I'm banging 'em out like no other. I'm getting praise for providing a gusto that I didn't previously have because I thought there was no other option but to be unhappy with an unexpected situation. But it's true; life is what you make it. It's incredible how much energy you can put into negative thinking without even realizing it.
This past weekend I went to San Luis Obispo with amazing girlfriends. Not only am I incredibly thankful for taking two days off, new friends, girl time, bachelor parties, road trips and having people I can speak honestly with, but my god am I in love with California. You really can fall in love with a place and I'm not ashamed to say - it's happened. Thank you Highway 1. Even with the nausea brought on from a semi college-like reunion causing me to need to lie down during some of your curvy, edge-of-the-mountain turns, you still blew me away. How can I ever leave you?
In perfect timing, as usual, Marisa sent me this article today; about the places in life where we find our essential selves. While I don't agree with his love of the Hong Kong International Airport (after a terrible, no sleep for days, 400 EXTRA dollars experience) or temples (after backpacking through southeast asia I can confidently say, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all) the rest of his article rings absolutely true. I recently found solitude in a walk around San Fran's chinatown and a stumble onto Jack Kerouac Alley. Then I entered a sweet little bookstore full of beat poetry wanna-be's and even though I immediately knew I didn't belong in there, I loved every minute of it. And then, the next weekend, Highway 1. My thin places. Thanks, California. I think I'll stick around for a little while and see what you can do with me.
