Last night's panel Education of Boston Youth was amazing. Two of the speakers were high school students that were members of the Boston School Advisory Council. BSAC is a city-wide group of student leaders who work on policy's and the decision making process for the Boston Public School District. I can't tell you how eye-opening and inspirational it was to hear them speak.

We all always gave Wall High a lot of shit for being well, terrible, but listening to these girls was a slap in the face. I knew the BPS's were bad inasmuch as they are inner city kids coming from low income housing. But the schools are deteriorating at quite a fast pace. The budget cuts hit them hard. At most schools, anyone without tenor was fired. This includes guidance counselors to the point where one school has one guidance counselor. The school isn't as big as mine was, but we definitely had multiple counselors. This is screwing over especially the seniors and juniors who want to take the SAT's and apply for college. Who do they have to help them? One girl said that she had to miss an entire 80 minute class period just to stand in line to sign up for the SAT's. Sounds counter-productive to me. Extra-curricular activities (except for sports) have all been cut-off. ALL OF THEM. Not at all of the schools, but even at the others they have been cut down tremendously. And these aren't kids that can go home afterwards and play. Maybe some of them don't have the family support and these kids especially need something to do, somewhere to go after school. They need the support of faculty to help them out. One school doesn't even have a Student Council Board anymore because they won't pay the faculty members extra to stay after school - so no one does. It's even harder for the older kids who had things to get involved in and teachers to help them out in the beginning, but have suffered because of the budget cuts. I get that the economy is in a bad place right now... but these are children! Aren't they suppose to be the future?

So yeah, the drop out rate is increasing. These kids don't have any motivation to stay! The school provides them close to nothing in extra-curricular's OR in support. Once they turn 16 they can opt to sign themselves out. So they do. This leaves me feeling incredibly helpless and even a little sad.

The upside is, there are kids making a difference. BSAC sounds like an amazing program and the kids who talked to us were incredible. Hearing them say "I love school," "I love education" and "We're not getting the education we deserve" was really inspiring. And they said this part themselves - We hear about the drop out rates, the low funding, the teacher cuts and we all know that Boston Public Schools, for the most part, don't have a lot to offer. But what we don't hear about is the kids on BSAC- re-writing the homework policy, meeting with the Mayor about ways to improve the quality of their education, and teaching themselves how to get through it all. We don't hear about the kids who stand out in front of the state house protesting their right to a better future - no one televises it.

The panel was incredibly engaging and inspiring. It leaves me with the usual questions: What are we doing wrong? How can I help? What's next? Knowledge is good, but finding answers would be better.

A seven year old just made my day.

A family I use to babysit for has always held a soft spot in my heart. The youngest, Peyton, was my favorite (yeah, I know you're not suppose to have favorites, but everyone does.) After not seeing her for a few years I saw her in June and she ran up to me and gave me a big hug and told me she missed me. I was taken aback because 1) she was about 4 feet taller then the last time I saw her and 2) I was surprised she even remembered me. Her older sisters know me because I also taught them dance, but Peyton was just a baby so I didn't think she would. Yesterday I received a voicemail from my mom that was actually Peyton! Apparently my mom mentioned my name and Peyton just said "I love her." My mom thought it was so cute that she had her call me and leave me a voicemail. It almost made me cry. She sounds exactly like her sister did at that age, who is now a sophomore in HS (I. am. getting. so. old.) She said "I miss you and I want you to come here. So, bye!" My mom also took a picture and sent it to me - she's so big. It almost made me want to go home. Or ship them up to Boston. I miss having kids around my life, teaching dance and babysitting was all I ever did. Maybe I need to start doing something soon...

The Center for Community Service started a program this fall called Service & Leadership Development Series. They are going to do panels based on a different topic each semester. This semester is Youth, so I signed up right away. (They weren't really sure if I could, seeing as I'm not an undergrad anymore, but I use to work for them and I'm technically still with Northeastern so whether or not I'm "suppose" to be there is irrelevant.) The first session is today and will be a panel discussion with community members about issues facing Boston youth, particularly those affecting education. I'm really looking forward to it! Stay tuned.

In other life news:
I'm fighting a cold/the flu. It's not fun. But no fever yet.
My boss is buying me a blackberry.
There's a typhoon in Vietnam.
I spend way too much money on food.
There is way too much cheese in my diet.
DC for Columbus weekend to visit Christopher and get an official post-8th-grade-class-trip tour of our capitol. As an added bonus, Frank & Sam live there too.
New Orleans for Halloween with Michelle & Jake. Enough said.
Living with boys isn't as bad as everyone thought it would be. But someone stole my toothbrush.
When I'm not having a panic attack, I really love this city. And I'm really glad I'm here.

Although I have a hard time admitting to it, it seems I'm still going through the grueling process of reverse culture shock. I'm not sure I can explain it well, but it's enough to recognize I'm dealing with it on a daily basis. I read enough travel blogs and see the pictures of both friends and strangers who are having the time of their lives. Who are finding themselves in the same position I was in just a few months ago. Who are finding themselves. And while I couldn't be happier for them, it breaks my heart.

Traveling is an experience like no other. With friends, strangers, or by yourself, it opens you up to ideas and possibilities that you never even knew existed. And that, I have to remind myself, is what brought me here.

I'll never forget the first few times I met foreigners in Can Tho. You always go through the same sequence of questions. "What brought you here" I'm not sure. "What did you study in school?" Music. People never understood what that meant or why I wasted my time or what the hell I was doing here. (Or was I just so uncomfortable with the thought myself that I assumed all of this? Maybe they admired it. Maybe not.) Everyone had plans for "life after Vietnam". Mostly for grad school. I felt like I was in high school again and everyone assumed everyone else was going to college, because that's what you do. These people all assumed that grad school came next. Sure they were taking a year off and traveling, but grad school was always in the future. Not once in my life prior to these moments did I ever consider grad school. Not only was it out of my reach financially, but music industry kids don't need a Master's. Hell, they don't even need a Bachelor's. But it made me wonder why I never thought of it as within my reach. Why couldn't I get a Master's? Why couldn't I learn something new, get a second chance? I had already fallen of the music industry boat (and gladly.) My time away presented me with new knowledge and ideas that I never had accepted before. I was eager to explore, eager to learn. And then all of the sudden I was eager to come back. So I made it work. I put myself in the position to obtain a Master's Degree starting as soon as January, and I could completely it as slowly or as quickly as I want, and all for free. So what's my problem?

Every once in a while I have a slight anxiety attack that dances around the question what have I done. Why am I in contract at a full time job with a salary and benefits? Unable to leave at the drop of a hat. I'm settling into the rush of American life. The money. The worry. The stress. Not once in Vietnam did I have to deal with any of that. Not in the same way, anyway. You want to take a nap? Sure, we'll close down the town for two hours every afternoon so we all can nap! You want your meal to be made fresh right in front of you, with the freshest ingredients I just picked from my backyard? We can do that! Do you want a market where you can buy fresh fruit for practically nothing, every day? We'll put one on every block! These are the simple things that I miss.

And now I miss people. I miss everyone in Vietnam. I miss all of my friends who are on their own travel adventures. I miss my students who thought I was amazing and perfect no matter what I did. I miss everyone smiling at me as I walk down the street.. just because they are happy to see me... even if they don't know me. I miss laying in a hammock. The list goes on.

The irony of the whole thing, and I should have seen this coming, is that I missed home so much. Not "home" persay, but my friends and family. I missed having my network of people. I missed being in college and going out drinking and making stupid decisions and not being judged, because everyone else was doing the same thing. It opens up the discussion of.. are we ever satisfied? I, apparently, am not.

I think I'm afraid to make a life for myself here because I'm afraid I'll get stuck here. I work with amazing women who worked full time to get their Master's degree, too. One got an MPA, one and MBA. And they're still working at Northeastern. They've settled. And if they were happy with that decision, I'd be happy for them. But the more I get to know everyone the more I hear about how they would rather be any where else. And maybe they aren't talking travel, or even leaving Boston. But they're still in the same place (albiet any promotions) that they were ten years ago. And they aren't happy. And even when they aren't talking about it, I can see it. They only make me want to leave even more. So what do I do now? I stay on my toes and try to remember that I am here because I wanted to be here. And I don't have to be here forever. And I can take trips and explore America on the little dime that I do have. And instead of sitting around missing people I can make a life for myself here. As long as I remind myself that one day, I'd like to be able to leave.

"Transitory routine. A travel paradox. At some point I’ll have to reconcile the love of getting settled with the love of leaving, the love of routine with the love of novelty, the desire for newness with the desire for familiarity. Or not."

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
- American Beauty

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited." - Sylvia Plath

"Nostalgia - it's delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, 'nostalgia' literally means 'the pain from an old wound.' It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It let's us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved." -Mad Men

I found this quote in a recent Chuck Klosterman book I was reading and I clung on to it:

"This is what being alive feels like, you know? The place doesn't matter. You just live."

At the time (not too long ago) it felt right. Maybe it's because so many people are coming and going and I'm at the age where everyone I know (myself included) is a little restless and when I think about this quote I feel okay about the decisions I have made. Maybe it makes me feel better to not put such an emphasis on place, and more on just living your life.

Then I was recently in a class (more on that later) and this quote got me:

"Place Matters."

He described it beautifully. About how some cling to the memory of their childhood and even though people move away they will always remember that place. About how people are loyal to the place they live in (Bostonians are incredibly loyal and it's part of the charm I love here.) Places might change but memories don't, and just because you are no longer there doesn't mean that place didn't once matter. I don't ever plan on living in New Jersey again, but do I consider that my home? Boston is my new home. Vietnam was once my home. And one day, I'll have a new home, hopefully on the west coast for a little while. How much do all of these places matter?

When my closest friends are living all over the world (literally) it's hard for me to pick a side. I want both to be true.

First posted on Zen Habits, then posted by Ben Casnocha. I'm a sucker for this. Love it:

Do something.

Do something interesting.

Be a part of the conversation, and say something remarkable. Create something unique, new, beautiful. Build upon the works of others and transform it into your own.

Write a book. Or an ebook. Write poetry and publish it on the web. Create interesting, lovely or funny videos, put them on You Tube. Be passionate. Write a web app that will solve a problem in people’s lives. Become a watchdog to replace the faltering newspapers. Explore the world, and blog about it. Try something you’ve always been afraid to try, and put it on video. Be yourself, loudly. Start a new company, doing only one thing, but doing it very well. Start a business that does a service you’ve always wanted, or that you are frustrated with in other companies because the service sucks. Put your heart into something. Say something that no one else dares to say. Do something others are afraid to do. Help someone no one else cares to help. Make the lives of others better. Make music that makes others want to weep, to laugh, to create. Inspire others by being inspiring. Teach young people to do amazing things. Write a play, get others to act in it, record it. Empower others to do things they’ve never been able to do before. Read, and read, and then write. Love, and love, and then help others to love. Do something good and ask others to pass it on. Be profound. Find focus in a world without it. Become minimalist in a world of dizzying complexity. Reach out to those who are frustrated, depressed, angry, confused, sad, hurt. Be the voice for those without one. Learn, do, then teach. Meet new people, become fast friends. Dare to be wrong. Take lots and lots of pictures. Explore new cultures. Be different. Paint a huge mural. Create a web comic. Be a dork, but do it boldly. Interview people. Observe people. Create new clothes. Take old stuff and make new stuff from it. Read weird stuff. Study the greats, and emulate them. Be interested in others. Surprise people. Start a blog, write at least a little each day. Cook great food, and share it. Be open-minded. Help someone else start a small business. Focus on less but do it better. Help others achieve their dreams. Put a smile on someone’s face, every day. Start an open-source project. Make a podcast. Start a movement. Be brave. Be honest. Be hilarious. Get really, really good at something. Practice a lot. A lot. Start now. Try.

xx

A few months ago I wrote a letter to a friend talking about how I missed having a creative outlet. About how I needed to start a new hobby or find some inspiration somewhere and how I really hoped I could figure all of this out in moving back to Boston. I wrote to this specific person because I thought they knew me and would know what to say to make me feel better. I got no response.

So I assumed my thoughts were outlandish and I was embarrassed I said anything at all and quickly convinced myself to get over it. Since I'm no longer letting said person control my emotions, I've gotten myself back to where I was and I want to do things. I want to learn, read, write, dance, sing, run, volunteer, open myself up to as many possibilities as I can for as long as I can. This thought process has also stemmed from being on campus for freshman move-in, welcome week and the start of classes. I miss it. So I started taking initiative.

I realized that although my entire life has revolved around music and dance, I now have no hobbies. So, I looked into everything in the area. I miss dance more then anything, but I can't afford it right now, so I signed up for a gym membership at Northeastern. With my awesome benefits I get a pretty big rebate back and I'm paying an incredibly low price for the Marino Center. I've been going every day after work and it really is true that revving up your endorphins really makes a difference in your mood (Is it the placebo effect? Maybe. But it's working.) I even started meeting Vilva there and he gave me some workouts that are killing me, in a good way. I also signed up for the NU 5k run on September 26th. Wish me luck!

Although working out is a good start, I would hardly call it a hobby. So, you are now reading the blog of a new member of NU's Chorus. I couldn't be more excited. I haven't sung in about three years so I'm definitely rusty, and it wasn't as easy as I thought it was to 'get back on the horse'. But the good thing about that is I need to spend more time reviewing what I use to know and studying the music. We are singing Beethoven's Mass in C as well as Four Scottish Songs he wrote. It's refreshing to have music back into my life in a way that makes me happy, unlike my undergraduate degree. Our concert is December 5th. See you there!

So, I'm on my way. I have another project up my sleeve for tonight, more on that next time!

I'm starting anew, I'm starting a new blog.

I know I've only been back in the states for three months, but I've already lost it. I lost the excited feeling of seeing everyone and everything for the first time and I'm settling into a routine. Which is what I wanted and also what I've dreaded. But I refuse to succumb to the boredom and the 9-5 [read: 8-4] every-day-ness that wants to swallow me whole. I'm not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself that I'm not somewhere else doing something else while a handful of the people I care about most on on their own adventures. I already had mine.

I have a hard time reading stories from other people [read: my best friends], because they're not mine. Not that I think they aren't as good.. but I know what experiencing it feels like and I don't get that feeling reading their stories. I just get a knife-in-the-stomach feeling that not only is it not happening to me, but I'm getting further and further away from my experience and more curious about the next stages of my life. I want this to stop.

I was so excited to come back, I had an amazing summer, and I fell in love with Boston all over again. I want to soak this up, I want to remember this feeling, I want to be here for the next three years and then jump ship again. That's always been the plan in my head, but I'm already nervous I'm going to get stuck for longer. Stuck. I don't want to think about it this way.

I'm going to pursue a Masters Degree. This was never, ever, ever on my "To Do" list for my life. I'm completely nervous and really excited to start this adventure. I don't want to rush it, but I'm already getting restless. One thing I've always known about myself.. I need to keep busy. If I keep busy I don't think about this longing and ache to be somewhere else. I don't think about all of the people I already miss. I don't think about Germany. I don't think about Vietnam. I don't think about all of the "what-ifs" that are constantly playing through my head. I keep busy, and I move on.

That's that. No sob story. I'm here doing what I want to do and I don't have to be here forever.. just for now. And great things are capable of happening and who knows what the future will bring and I don't need to be planning it now. I'll wake up every morning and remind myself that Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life. And I will have a good day. And I'll write in my new blog.

xx