Tomorrow is PAYDAY. A payday that includes a bonus. A bonus full of blood, sweat and tears (not at all) and a boss that is giving me probably more than I deserve, but is also leaving me so I'll take it.

Tomorrow I have to write a ten page paper that I haven't started yet. Due by the end of the day. Friday I have to write a second ten page paper that I haven't started yet. Due by the end of Friday. But then, I'm home free for a WEEK! This is where you can find me:

For those of you who don't think that's a picture of the Jersey Shore, I don't want to hear it. I'm going on vacation!!

Today I woke up feeling lighter and better than ever. Well, than lately. It's been a month since my life has turned around, and I woke up today and felt light. I attribute this to many things:

My dad spent the weekend in Boston. It was exhausting, and it went by too fast. We went to the Aquarium, the Institute of Contemporary Art, the Harpoon Brewery, and saw Dispatch live at TD Garden. We walked through the Public Gardens and got a beer at Cheers. We went to the movies. We laughed, we walked, we talked. It was so nice to just be. Usually when he comes to Boston he drives down in the morning, helps me move into a new apartment, and we grab a quick bite to eat before he drives back to Jersey. When I go home for a visit it's usually only for two or three days, sometimes I'm accompanied by someone from Boston, and then he works during the day and I see my friends at night. We schedule a lunch or dinner here or there but we haven't spent this much time together in a while. And it was only two days. But it made a difference. He'll always be my number one fan- whether I'm moving to Boston, moving to Vietnam, dreaming of Europe, or asking to come home. Just knowing that there is someone out there who will support every single ridiculous thought in your head, and especially getting to spend quality time with that person, can really make a difference.

When he left, I was surprised at how sad I was. I wanted desperately to pack up my room and jump in the car with him to drive home. But I couldn't. I could- he would be more than thrilled. But I know that I can't. I have responsibilities, both to myself and to others, and I can't walk away from them. I now know that I can leave, when I'm ready, and I will spend the next six months living it up in Boston. Going to all of the places I've never gone, doing things I've never done... and by the time I leave here I think I'll finally be ready to fully move on.

The lightness can also be attributed to facebook. Or, the lack thereof. That's right, for the second time in my life (since its conception in 2005) I've deactivated my facebook account. You might remember that the last time I did this was right after my breakup with Ryan. I also chopped off all of my hair and dyed it dark brown. These things happen. I am happy to report that this is unrelated. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. The truth is, I've grown tired of its necessity, its centrality, and the amount of time I spend doing literally nothing, that I could use reading a book, or another blog, or writing one of my two papers due this week. Not "having" to check facebook for only 24 hours has already left me feeling less attached, and much lighter. Nobody has 800 friends. And I don't care if you're watching The Bachelor, or doing your laundry, or eating pizza. Unless I live with you or want to see you, I really don't care what you're doing at every given moment. If you want to reach me, shoot me an email, or a text, or even a phone call! The possibilities are still endless.

This is also directly attributed to friends. This past month I've really taken account of who my true friends are; who I want to spend time with, who I want to make time for, and who wants to spend time with me. I'm tired of one-sided relationships, and I'm done with trying to make everyone happy. What has come from this? Closer connections to the people that matter, reconnecting with old friends, and making new ones. Making time for the right people instead of spreading myself too thin. I've separated myself from people who've quieted me and I'm free to spend time with who I want and go where I want.

This weekend I'm heading home to the sea. One week of good friends and the ocean. Then, I'm climbing Mt. Washington. I finally bought my ticket to Gathering of the Vibes. I'm taking my life back, because I lost June to a person I don't particularly like, and July is looking pretty promising.


“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in.” - Haruki Murakami

Dear Starbucks,

Thank you for inventing the Cinnamon Dolce Latte. I can't afford you, but that 8am sip is, I believe, a little taste of heaven.

Love,
Sam

Tristan Prettyman always says what I need to hear. If by any chance she stumbles across this post in a search for people mentioning her name or using her words, I'd like to say Thank You. Thank You for being honest and open and making it okay to move on. Although I think I'm somewhere in the middle of all that. It's so nice to read these words.

"I am super excited to see what the universe has in store for me….For a minute there, I didnt think it could get any better.

But I am more open than ever, to everything, right now.

Sure, I have moments of crying on the couch, drinking wine and stuffing my face with cookies…I have moments of anger.

But then I remember its all a huge blessing.

I dont want to be with someone who is not ready for me, I want to be with someone who cant get enough of me.

I am grateful."

---
On another note, Matt Nathanson's new album, Modern Love, is rocking my ipod right now (yes, while I'm in the office.) Can't wait to see him Friday night! And, can't wait for Tristan Prettyman's new album!

I want to go everywhere I've never been before.
I want to read all of the books I've never read.
I want to see all of the movies I've never seen.
Is that so much to ask?
Picture courtesy of Joanna and our wonderful day in Salisbury, MA. Thanks for making me skip work for this :)

Rest in Peace

There are some people in your life that really make a difference. That shape who you want to become, and give you the courage to follow your dreams. Then, somewhere along the road of growing up, you lose touch with that person and you only think of it after it's too late. Kevin Kavanaugh was that person for me. He taught me how to play the piano, and inspired my love for music. I disappointed him often (I barely ever practiced) but I always showed up to my lessons. We talked about life, about my parents, about his daughter, about school. And then, eventually, I stopped showing up. But I kept studying music, all the way until the day I graduated college with a degree in music industry. Did he have anything to do with that? I guess in hindsight, he had everything to do with that. Kevin and I kept in touch long after I stopped playing the piano. When he came to visit his daughter in Boston we planned to meet up, and of course that never happened. I didn't even know he was sick.

The original keyboard player for Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes, Kevin's recieved a beautiful recognition on their homepage. As a musician, teacher and mentor, he's touched many lives - and we can be thankful that we knew him.

RIP Kevin. You will be missed more than you know.

Yesterday while checking out at Stop & Shop I decided to wait in line for a real live person, rather than the self-service lines I've become accustomed to. The woman was older, and looked particularly uphappy to be there. I set myself up to become frustrated by her lack of customer service, when something happened. A guy who was presumably the manager on shift was preparing to leave by screaming goodbye to various workers around us. He looked right past her to say goodbye to someone in the aisles, and as I looked at this woman she said something to the affect of "sure don't say goodbye to me," under her breath. And then I saw the tear. The pain on this woman's face took me by surprise. She stood there looking at him walking around and finally walk out the door, just waiting for him to acknowledge her. For a moment, I wasn't sure what she was going to do. I wasn't even focused on the fact that she had stopped ringing me up - my heart ached for her. She looked like I felt but there was something so inherently sad in this woman's face that in turn made me feel so sad for her. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and let her know she was appreciated. But I didn't. Because where are the lines in a situation like this?

He walked out the door and she turned around, wiped a tear from her face, finished ringing me up in silence, and went right on to the next person. Going through the motions when everything in her body was just tired and sad. And I still feel so sad for her. I wish I would have done something besides just watching this happen and walking away. Like everyone else has done to her.

Why do we let other people affect our happiness to such a large extent? What is it about love and acknowledgement that rules our emotions? How can a stranger make you feel so sad, or so angry, that you can lose yourself in a situation with someone you don't even know? And when we lose that acknowledgement from people we do know and love, why do we think that world will stop turning? That our happiness depends on others? There's something deeply wrong with this way of thinking and I'm not sure how to grasp it.

But I do know that when I leave the office today I will say goodbye to everyone, no matter who they are or how I feel about them. Because they are here, and because everyone deserves to be acknowledge and appreciated. We can never fully know what someone is going through in their lives, but the most we can do is believe that everyone is doing the best they can from where they are, and they deserve to be recognized.


"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind." — Kurt Vonnegut

"If you just look at all that already exists in your life, all that you
already have: unlimited air to breathe, ample lighting to see, music to hear,
books to read, stars to dream by, trees to gaze at, floors to dance on, friends
to cavort with, enemies to befriend, strangers to meet, woods to walk through,
beaches to comb, rocks to scale, rains to cleanse you, rivers to float you,
animals to comfort you, you do have to admit, there's more of it than you could
ever, ever, ever spend. But try anyway." Mike Dooley

It's good to know I'm not above crawling into my roommates bed in the middle of the night balling like a baby. This is going to be harder than I thought.


To All the Boys I've Loved Before

"and I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all / I know that’s some easy shit to say / but I’m still gonna try to live by it / I’m still gonna try to put my faith to rest in it / I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in / I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining full of the knowledge I am priceless and worth nothing but honesty" - Mayda Del Valle

Today's post is simple inspiration from one of my favorite people that I've never met, Tristan Prettyman.


Remember to breathe
& listen to your favorite songs.